The Day I Almost Finished Dead Last

Today was not my best showing. In fact-- it was bad. On a couple of levels. Training leading up has been good to decent. I've been in the pool every week-- comfortably swimming, running a few times a week and feeling pretty OK, and I've been riding my trainer and struggling a bit. But...I had been training.

I have also been working about 90 hours a week for the last month or so. It's caught up to me to say the least and I've been having mild panic attacks for the past few weeks in a variety of situations--- on phone calls, walking through the airports, etc. When I have these attacks I get quite dizzy, lose feeling in my legs-- similar to the feeling of being given gas at the dentist.

This morning I got to the race early-- got checked in-- chatted with Christina and prepared my transition area. My wetsuit seemed a bit more tight around the neck than the last time I wore it (more on that later) but I got in the water for some warm up swimming. I felt good. Stroke felt good, breath felt good, pull felt good-- head position-- all was working. I was racing in the Athena category and we were 2nd to last wave to go out.

As soon as I started swimming-- and I mean as soon-- panic attack. I was dogging paddling before yard 25. No joke, I was completely taken aback. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swim-- I was just treading water. And it didn't get better. For 600 yards I somehow got myself around that damn lake. Pulling at my aforementioned wetsuit collar, trying not to cry and ask for help. 22 minutes by my watch later-- I was out. The goal was 15-16. Clearly it was not going to be my day.

I walked the transition. I've never walked a transition before. I had to calm down.

Then on to the bike. Legs were gone. All that treading water had just fucked my legs. Here's where it gets worse. Around mile 8 or so of rolling hills which turns out, I really don't care for, I start to ride by the prettiest site I've ever seen and I kid you not, a piece of land that I've dreamed about my whole life. A big ranch style house sitting on acres upon acres of yellow wild flowers.

What happened next? Another panic attack. Off the bike. Tears. Walking. Just horrible. Finished the bike in 1:02. My last race: 38 minutes. Definitely different courses but looking at everyone else's time-- I should have been at about 48-50 minutes.

Coming off the bike I was pretty sure I was done for the day. But I put on my shoes and housed a banana and set off reluctantly. Then I saw Ashley cheering me on and she convinced me to at least give the run a try. Calf cramps set in almost immediately as they tend to do and they didn't go away until mile 2. I mostly walked and ran and NO SHIT I truly thought I was going to be the very last person to finish the race. When I made the turn to head back to the finish line I saw a few folks still behind me. Around mile 3 Christina showed up with her awesome smile and cow bell and ran it in with me.

After seeing the course and knowing how I trained I should have finished the course in 1:51. But nope...2:20. Slower than my first tri ever-- that I did on a mountain bike.

Now to the funny part. Only 2 people raced in the Athena category-- so technically I made the podium. Hilarity. Had I raced a 1:51 I would have won with flying colors.

My dad offered wise words that it was "impressive I could finish a triathlon while having 2 panic attacks" and he's right actually. I am proud for finishing but I'm not happy at all about the stress that I'm working under and that I'm levying on myself. Definitely will be calling the doctor on Monday to try and find some relief and hope that I get it figured out.

I'm not going to stop swimming, running and biking. But I don't have my next race on the books and I'm OK with that. I need to get my head and my body right before I set my sights on my next race.