The Day I Almost Finished Dead Last

Today was not my best showing. In fact-- it was bad. On a couple of levels. Training leading up has been good to decent. I've been in the pool every week-- comfortably swimming, running a few times a week and feeling pretty OK, and I've been riding my trainer and struggling a bit. But...I had been training.

I have also been working about 90 hours a week for the last month or so. It's caught up to me to say the least and I've been having mild panic attacks for the past few weeks in a variety of situations--- on phone calls, walking through the airports, etc. When I have these attacks I get quite dizzy, lose feeling in my legs-- similar to the feeling of being given gas at the dentist.

This morning I got to the race early-- got checked in-- chatted with Christina and prepared my transition area. My wetsuit seemed a bit more tight around the neck than the last time I wore it (more on that later) but I got in the water for some warm up swimming. I felt good. Stroke felt good, breath felt good, pull felt good-- head position-- all was working. I was racing in the Athena category and we were 2nd to last wave to go out.

As soon as I started swimming-- and I mean as soon-- panic attack. I was dogging paddling before yard 25. No joke, I was completely taken aback. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swim-- I was just treading water. And it didn't get better. For 600 yards I somehow got myself around that damn lake. Pulling at my aforementioned wetsuit collar, trying not to cry and ask for help. 22 minutes by my watch later-- I was out. The goal was 15-16. Clearly it was not going to be my day.

I walked the transition. I've never walked a transition before. I had to calm down.

Then on to the bike. Legs were gone. All that treading water had just fucked my legs. Here's where it gets worse. Around mile 8 or so of rolling hills which turns out, I really don't care for, I start to ride by the prettiest site I've ever seen and I kid you not, a piece of land that I've dreamed about my whole life. A big ranch style house sitting on acres upon acres of yellow wild flowers.

What happened next? Another panic attack. Off the bike. Tears. Walking. Just horrible. Finished the bike in 1:02. My last race: 38 minutes. Definitely different courses but looking at everyone else's time-- I should have been at about 48-50 minutes.

Coming off the bike I was pretty sure I was done for the day. But I put on my shoes and housed a banana and set off reluctantly. Then I saw Ashley cheering me on and she convinced me to at least give the run a try. Calf cramps set in almost immediately as they tend to do and they didn't go away until mile 2. I mostly walked and ran and NO SHIT I truly thought I was going to be the very last person to finish the race. When I made the turn to head back to the finish line I saw a few folks still behind me. Around mile 3 Christina showed up with her awesome smile and cow bell and ran it in with me.

After seeing the course and knowing how I trained I should have finished the course in 1:51. But nope...2:20. Slower than my first tri ever-- that I did on a mountain bike.

Now to the funny part. Only 2 people raced in the Athena category-- so technically I made the podium. Hilarity. Had I raced a 1:51 I would have won with flying colors.

My dad offered wise words that it was "impressive I could finish a triathlon while having 2 panic attacks" and he's right actually. I am proud for finishing but I'm not happy at all about the stress that I'm working under and that I'm levying on myself. Definitely will be calling the doctor on Monday to try and find some relief and hope that I get it figured out.

I'm not going to stop swimming, running and biking. But I don't have my next race on the books and I'm OK with that. I need to get my head and my body right before I set my sights on my next race.

The journey from sea turtle to dolphin.

I've been struggling the past few weeks on the training. The good news is that I HAVE been training-- the bad news is that I'm not biking or swimming fast. But I am biking and swimming. I've put my bike on a trainer so I can bike more often and then do brick workouts from the house-- but the trainer kicks my ass. I really enjoy the trainer at the Energy Lab but it's not the same in my living room for some reason.

Tonight in the pool I was slow again. I varied between a 2:20 per 100 and 2:50 per 100....that's a pretty big variance. We did the longest set of the year in the pool-- a 500-- the crazy thing-- I nailed it. Never stopped and felt great. I kept telling myself-- swim YOUR 500-- stay calm, stay smooth, work on form and posture, don't let your legs hurt you. The guy that swims in my lane with me has gotten super fast over the past few weeks but I finished RIGHT after him cause he had to stop a few times-- slow and steady baby! The problem....I want to be steady and fast-- or at least fast-ER. I remind myself of the sea turtle I swam with once in Belize....this turtle was smooth in the water, and calm-- but slow..I could keep up with him--I need to be more dolphin-esque.

I spoke with Coach Allison and she wants to push me to figure out what pace I CAN stay at for my race distance- 600-- that allows me to pick up pace but not kill myself before I even get on the bike. I'm going to try and work on that this week in New Orleans-- when I try my hand out at the UNO pool. :)

The day I lost any pride remaining.

I'm tired. I woke up feeling like a truck hit me. Throughout the day my energy level increased and I took my ass to the pool-- cause I love my Monday night swim class.

BUT OH NO.....Tonight we started everyone out of the water-- then we dove in, 2 at a time, completely not warmed up, and snaked 6 lanes-- 300 yards. For the record-- until I've done at least 100 or 200 I swim like a elephant.

A warmup for a beginner is usually 150/200 max (at your own pace and in the beginner lane). Not tonight my friends.

Everyone passed me. EVERYONE. By the time I was done everyone had already cooled down-- and I finished in the SUPER FAST PEOPLE LANE. It was one of the more embarrassing moments I've had recently. One person (one kind person) said-- "way to finish"-- everyone else just looked at me like I was slow.  (I was slow)

I recovered and got back to my lane and started the drills. I was swimming slower than a cat trying not to drown doing my drills and all night basically.

SO THEN THEY CHOSE TONIGHT TO TIME OUR 100. My goal is to be about 2:00/2:10 per 100 for my race in April. Tonight-- 2:37. For the love of all that is holy....such a bad night in the pool. I left feeling pretty defeated.

I swear, it gets worse. So, I had a dinner thing with one of my team members and had to go straight from the pool to pick him up. Putting on real people clothes after a swim is NOT EASY. But I was trying to put on a spandex dress and leggings...while still wet. I GOT STUCK-- AND HAD TO ASK THE FAST SKINNY GIRLS TO UNTANGLE ME. If I had any pride left if my body-- it's all gone, every single ounce of it. What a day....glad it's over.

I'm gonna wear a onesie.....

So, finding the perfect Tri Kit is super hard. Especially when your top is smaller than your bottom-- it can be hard to find a top that stays put over your bum.

For the past few races I've been fidgeting with my top too much cause it sometimes rides up a bit BUT NO LONGER. Today when I was at my favorite gear shop, Podium Multisport, http://podiumms.com/, my buddy Andy recommended I try on the singlet--- NO WAY, I thought.

It's tough for bigger ladies to look good in any tri gear-- BUT A ONSIE? No way jose.

Well-- he kept persisting that I would like it as I wouldn't have anything to fool around with-- so I tried it on. HOLY SHIT YALL-- WHY HAVEN'T I BOUGHT THIS BEFORE? And it's all black...what?? I cannot wait to race in this bad boy-- built in bra, and a size Large. Not XL. Just Large. It has tons of compression so hopefully there's not too much jiggly going on-- we shall see on race day for sure. WOOHOO!

Also, I'm going on my first group ride with ATC on Sunday-- I'm super nervous but there are 4 groups, 20-22 MPH, 17-19 MPH, 15-17 MPH, and below 15 MPH. My last race I rode about 18 on a flat course-- which is the 2ND TO FASTEST GROUP, what??? They say to join the group that is the one above of what you're riding so you can push yourself and fall back if you need....since it's my first ride, I'm going to ride with the 17-19 group and take it from there.

Off to the pool I go....LESS THAN A MONTH. (And I ran 4 times last week/BOOM!)

Couch to 5k....again.

I've been a runner.

I mean, when I was a kid, I could run forever-- and fast. In high school I was running a 6 minute mile on a regular basis. I never had to think about my breathing, my legs, anything-- it was no different than walking down the block.

When I was right out of college I could knock out 3-4 miles at a decent pace, 9/10 minute miles.

When I was 25 or so I ran my first half marathon. That-- was hard. I had ankle surgery 3 days later.

Since that time, running hasn't been easy. I've done a few 10k's, another half, and 4-5 5K's, and 2 sprint tri's-- all of which I've pretty much detested the running portion.

So, I decided to do what other people do-- teach myself how to run again. I looked up the Couch to 5K program and I started. I'm 2 weeks in (run 90 seconds, walk 2 minutes). Tomorrow will be my first run of the next portion- (run 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, run 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes). No joke, I think it's working.

I have made one concious change-- I'm running without music. In the past I've gotten so caught up about the perfect song playing at the exact moment I needed it that I knew I was crippling myself. I want to enjoy running again. I don't want cords all over the place getting in the way-- me thinking about how the beat to the song isn't working with my stride-- non of the bullshit. Just me, my 2 feet and a bottle of water.

Maybe, when I'm a "runner" again-- I'll get to play with toys and such but now, I just have to focus on one thing. Run for 90 seconds, walk for 90 seconds, run for 3 minutes, walk for 3 minutes-- rinse and repeat.

Going for the podium.

I have my next Tri in one month- April 26th. The past few weeks have been good-- riding the bike, in the pool and trying to run. 2 bricks in the books in the past week. I'm still not running well-- and I'm really not running well after my bike (calf cramps) BUT-- I'm doing it.

Turns out the last tri I did, I trained horribly for. It turns out that just swimming occasionally and going for bike rides does NOT equal race day preparation. If I want to do well/better then I have to do the following:

1. Swim every week-- doing drills and some for distance. Every time I swim I need to be conscious of form and the strength behind my pull. And my kick-- it doesn't need to help me that much but I have to keep my feet/legs level so it doesn't HURT me.
2. Bike like I'm racing. Going for a stroll does me little good other than saddle time, which is important but more important will be really pushing myself on the bike.
3. Running. Yes, it turns out that I can't just swim and bike and think that I'll be able to run. That is unfortunately NOT how it works. (although I had absolutely convinced myself of that).
4. Doing brick workouts. THIS is NOT optional (I had also convinced myself it was) if I want to be able to finish strong-- even if it's just a sprint. Working 2 disciplines back to back isn't easy. It's even harder on race day with everything else going on.

I've set a pretty lofty goal for this race. I want to podium for the Athena category and I'm shooting for a time of 1:38-- with all things being equal to last year that would put me in good shape-- but you never know who will be there. It also looks like the bike times were pretty slow last year-- must slower on average than my Naples race. I also, however, know that I'm going to kick my swim time in high gear-- hoping to get out of the water in 14 minutes.

But all in all--I'm hoping for a fun race and experience.

Are sober people boring?

I was privy to my first hangover in months on Wednesday of this past week after a fun night out with colleagues in a snowy Asheville. The good thing? It's been months since I drank enough or an odd enough mixture to get a hangover. The other good thing? I don't want to ever have that feeling again. So, I've made an odd decision. To stay hangover free for the rest of my life. OK, well...most of it. I'm NOT going to stop drinking wine & yummy beer or bloody mary's BUT I'm going to continue to reign it in even more. It's the right decision financial. It's the right decision for health reasons and it's the right decision mentally. Don't you love it when it works out that way?

The question becomes "are sober people boring"? 

I know a few people that choose not to drink at all-- and they are actually some of the kindest and most fun people I know. I'll take heed from their example and see how it goes. Wish me luck.